


Dreams In The Mist

by stardust_20



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, explicit content, little bit of action, relationship drama, sex/masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-07 09:34:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4258395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardust_20/pseuds/stardust_20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She’d left him once without a real explanation and yet he’d forgiven her.  Andrew wanted to try to rebuild their fragmented relationship and she'd agreed. May wanted this, she really did, or she’d have said no when he suggested they try again, yet her subconscious was somewhere else and much as she fought it, it continued to torment her night after night, daydream after daydream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cloak and Dagger

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second story in a series that began with The Sweetest Song is Silence. It's part of a work titled "These Dreams" - because the names for the stories, chapters and some of the quotes are from the Heart song by the same title. 
> 
> This story takes place after season 2, assuming that Melinda and Andrew went away together and decided to try to rekindle their relationship. Spoilers for any and all aired episodes, particularly any reference to Andrew Garner and the episodes he guested in. Also I'm sure I've missed some of the characters, so assume any and all characters that may have appeared in the tv series might appear here too. 
> 
> I don't own them and never will, just taking some time to enjoy playing in Marvel's sandbox for a while. I hope you enjoy it with me! I'm not sure how long this story will be, though I'm hoping for not more than 4 parts.

**_~ These dreams go on when I close my eyes  
Every second of the night I live another life~ _ **

_He moved above her and around her, inside her, finding just the right angle to drive her insane. Breath dragged in and out of her lungs as she panted, so close to the edge she could almost taste it, but this was Phil and he would tease her and test her until she was crazy with her need to orgasm._

May woke suddenly, unsure what exactly it had been that had woken her, and realized it was just a dream. A very, very realistic dream however, as she was breathing hard and feeling seriously aroused.

Her face flushed a deeper pink as she realized just where her hand was. Her cheeks pinked as her eyes flew sideways, spotting Andrew sleeping soundly beside her. She withdrew it quickly, scrambling out of bed and pulling on her robe, heading for the shower.

If she’d hoped a hot shower would wash away the remnants of the dream, she was sadly mistaken. Running a soapy sponge over her body only titillated the sensitive nerve endings even more and the water cascading down her body in long, langorous rivulets had her positively quivering with desire.

She closed her eyes and sighed, knowing she would get no peace until she finished what had been started in the dream. Returning her hand to where it had been when she’d woken, she pressed her middle finger against the sensitive, swollen bud that had the full focus of her attention and demanded release.

She began to pant gently as she rubbed it in long, slow circles, anticipation building through every nerve ending in her body. Her other hand lifted the sodden sponge to her chest and began working her breasts alternately, flicking across her nipples until they were rock hard and then rubbing them in hard, fast circles. The pants turned to quiet moans as her body coiled, ready for release. Pressing slightly harder on her clit, she tilted her head back into the spray, seeing nothing but his face as she reached the edge and pushed herself over.

“Phil,” she groaned, letting out a long moan as she climaxed. She rubbed her clit hard and fast throughout the orgasm as she’d taught herself to do, drawing it out even longer until the pleasure began to subside and her legs felt like they might collapse under her.

A long, guttural groan tore out of her as she turned to face the spray, letting it wash over and cleanse her thoroughly. Eyes closing, she sighed, for once not having a clue what she should do about this situation.

A cold breeze rose gooseflesh on her arms, alerting her that Andrew had opened the door. She turned off the taps and pulled her towel down, fastening it around her. 

“Hey, you’re up early. You should have woken me - I would have joined you.” He smiled down at her. 

She smiled weakly back at him. “You need your rest. Why get up before dawn if you don’t have to?”

“Need has nothing to do with it.” He closed his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “I just want to be with you, Melinda. We lost seven years and I don’t want to waste a single second more.”

She leaned into him, allowing him to hold her, feeling the weight of guilt pressing down on her chest at her betrayal of this good man. She’d left him once without a real explanation and yet he’d forgiven her. They’d talked, finally, during her time away from Shield when they’d spent a week together on the beach, and agreed to reconcile, hoping to see if the feelings they’d once shared were still there and able to be resurrected after such a long absence. She wanted this, she really did, or she’d have said no when he suggested they try again, yet her subconscious was somewhere else and much as she fought it, it continued to torment her night after night, daydream after daydream.

“I have to get to work early today,” she said softly, pulling away. “We have a 7am meeting.”

Andrew’s eyebrow raised. “Phil couldn’t pick civilized hours for that? Anytime before 9 is our time, not his.”

May shrugged. “You know how life in Shield is. We don’t exactly run nine to five.”

“Don’t I know it.” He pulled off his sleeping shorts and turned the water back on. “As I’m awake already I might as well get the day started early too. Maybe we can end it early with a nice dinner tonight.”

She smiled. “I guess we’ll see.”

~ ~ ~ 

She was aware of his presence in the training area long before he spoke, as if she had radar that could sense him. 

Perhaps she did. Perhaps she’d developed that particular sixth sense in defense, knowing she’d need to put up walls when he was around. She wished she could say it was something new but if she were to be completely honest with herself, it had been that way ever since she’d come back to work with him two years ago. Maybe even longer …

He came to stand beside her, giving her no more time to reflect on the past. “How’s she doing?” He nodded at Skye, alone on the track.

May’s eyes slid his way, then back to face front. “Very well. Her stamina has improved dramatically and she’s really learned to focus when she’s training. She’ll be a good specialist one day.”

Coulson looked at her with open admiration, something rare for him. “That’s entirely because of you.” She opened her mouth to protest but he hastened on. “Yes, she had that potential in her from day one and that’s partly why I let her stay with us, but you’re the one who’s taught her focus and discipline and the value of hard work.”

May smirked. “She thinks I push her too hard.”

“I know. Think of her childhood; no one ever pushed her to do anything. Remember the lazy-ass rebel she was when we met her. You’ve taken that raw piece of coal and are steadily making it into the diamond I always knew she could be.”

She shrugged off the compliment. “It’s my job.”

“Be that as it may, Skye is more important than any of us can possibly know. I believe one day the fate of the world will lie in her hands and we can rest easier knowing she’s ready for the challenge and will do the right thing.”

She met his eyes and for a moment her mind flashed back to the shower. A flush crept up her neck and cheeks, one she hoped he didn’t notice. “So what are you hoping all this flattery will get you? Is there an assignment you know I’m going to hate and you’re buttering me up to make me say yes to it?”

He grinned. “You know me too well. As a matter of fact … “

 

~ ~ ~ 

He’d been right. She did hate it. And the hating made her angry; it dissolved the calm she’d striven to achieve in her time away. The calm had been hard-fought and oh, so very welcome after the constant chaos and pain of the previous year, and she was loathe to let it go so quickly.

_“Are you kidding me?”_

_“I wish I could say I was, believe me. We dealt Hydra a crippling blow - that should have been the end of them, at least for some time.” He shook his head. “Grant Ward as the new head of Hydra … now that’s a frightening thing.”_

_“You couldn’t send someone in undercover? I mean not only does he know me, but I’m probably number one on his personal vendetta list after what I did to Kara.”_

_“Firstly, who could we send that he doesn’t know? Even if we had someone qualified that he hasn’t heard of, he’d be suspicious of anyone new. He sees danger where it isn’t. And secondly, I’m counting on the fact that he hates you.”_

_“Oh,” she said flatly. “I’m the bait.”_

_“If you want to put it that way.” He set his jaw in a way that she knew all-too well. “Believe me, I hate the idea of you anywhere near Ward, but stopping him now may be the best chance at killing Hydra for good and not letting it become powerful enough to take us down again. Ward is a formidable enemy at the best of times so I’m hoping his hatred of you will cloud his usual calm, cool judgement and force his hand. If there was any other way … “ He sighed. “I’ve thought and thought since getting this intel and I don’t think there is one. You know I’m only willing to do it because I know you can take him on and come out of there alive.”_

_She grimaced. “You give me too much credit. He’s as good a fighter as I am, plus he’s a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier, not to mention he’s paranoid and delusional. That makes him more dangerous that we can possibly predict. I barely got out of our previous encounters alive, Phil.”_

_“I know,” he said softly, “that’s why we need to stop him now so he doesn’t kill anyone else.”_

_She huffed. “Fine.”_

_“Thank you. Oh, and there’s one more thing … “_

That thing was standing beside her now. She looked over and met Skye’s eyes. “You ready to do this?”

A menacing look settled across the younger woman’s face. “I am so ready.”

“Easy.” May half-smirked. “We’re not here for revenge. That’s just a side bonus. We need to stay focused on the mission.”

“Isn’t the mission to kill him?”

“The mission is to cut off Hydra’s current head, which involves killing Ward, yes. But that’s only one part. The rest is to get out alive. That’ll be the tougher of the two.”

“Dying isn’t an option.”

May’s eyes slitted “I’m sure that’s what Coulson told himself just before he was stabbed through the heart and died. I imagine you had similar thoughts before you were shot and nearly died. Don’t get cocky and make me have to save your ass again. Phil will have my head if I don’t bring you back in one piece. Alive.”

Skye drew in a deep breath and let it out of her nose slowly, the way May had taught her. “I’m ready. Let’s get this done so we can go home.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Do you really think it’s wise, sending Agents May and Skye to take down Ward?”

Coulson regarded Weaver with a cool gaze. “Was there really a choice? Now is the best chance to strike and stop him from rebuilding Hydra - “

“If that’s what he’s doing.”

He shrugged. “I trust my intel. Stopping him now while he only has minimal support and loyalty is preferable to waiting until he’s built up an army.”

“But _Skye_?”

“She’s our best weapon,” he said frankly. “I’d have preferred to send Bobbi in with May and keep Skye as far away from him as possible but that isn’t an option right now. Skye is trustworthy and she’ll follow orders and only do what’s necessary to complete the mission.”

“Are you sure of that?”

“I’d bet my life on it.”

“You’re betting with their lives, Phil, not your own.”

He swallowed hard. “I know. I trust that Skye learned from the last encounter and that she and May will work together the way they do in training. In theory, they’re an unstoppable team.”

Weaver wasn’t convinced. “In theory.”

Coulson wasn’t entirely convinced either. He couldn’t imagine, wouldn’t imagine anything happening to either of the women he cared for so deeply, but like May, he was well-aware of how dangerous Ward was. _Please be safe,_ he thought. _Both of you. Be careful, be safe, and come back home to me._

~ ~ ~ 

“Well, well, how nice to see you two ladies again.”

A cold shiver ran down May’s spine and she stiffened as she turned to face him. “So it’s true.”

Ward smiled. To one who didn’t know better, like she herself once, it seemed cordial. Now she could see it for what it really was; a snarl. “What rumours are people spreading about me now? Whatever they are, I’m sure it’s nothing the Cavalry can’t handle.”

“You’ve got that right.”

Skye’s eyes slid her way, drawing strength from May’s calm demeanor. If Ward had hoped to rattle her by using that nickname, he’d been mistaken. 

May herself was a little surprised, and not just a little pleased that she didn’t feel that old familiar ache in her chest at the mention of Bahrain. Her time away had indeed begun to heal her. Perhaps in time she’d be whole again.

“I thought you said you weren’t Hydra,” Skye spat angrily.

“I wasn’t before. Now I am. I think it’s pretty simple to comprehend.”

“Yes it is,” May said dryly. “You have no loyalty to anyone or anything.”

He tore his eyes away from Skye’s at May’s accusation. “It’s easier that way. Feelings make things so very complicated.” He smiled again. “It’s better not to make connections to anything or anyone. Garrett was right. The only person you should look out for is yourself.”

“Well you do a fine job of that. Too bad you had Kara convinced you were looking out for her. She truly did believe in you, right up to the end. You must be a fantastic actor.”

Skye caught the slight twitch of his lips but stayed silent, knowing May’s plan was to goad him into coming after her.

“You can’t pin that on me. You were the one who betrayed her. Shield betrayed her. Again.”

“You pulled the trigger, my friend. That pins it squarely on you, however much you may disagree.”

He lifted a finger and pointed at her. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare blame me.” His voice wavered and Skye slowed her breathing, focusing the way May had taught her. This was it - he was coming undone.

“Don’t dare what?” May challenged, taking a step towards him. “I’ll dare anything. I’m The Cavalry, remember? I’m invincible.”

“You - “ He sputtered and stopped, face red, then came at her, fists flying.

May took him easily, parrying with agility and skill, matching him blow for blow. Skye joined in from behind him but he was an able warrior and managed to hold them both off with seemingly little effort.

The fight continued on much longer than both of them had anticipated, each of them dripping and panting with their exertions, until finally Ward caught May off guard and took her down heavily. He stood above her, foot holding her down, and lifted his eyes to meet Skye’s. “I’m kind of surprised May brought you along on this suicide mission, unless her plan was to have you watch me kill her. Sort of a Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Vader kind of triangle.”

“Don’t listen to him, Skye,” May wheezed.

“Don’t worry. I stopped believing anything he said a long time ago.”

“I won’t lie to you Skye,” he said earnestly. “Not you. I made you a promise.”

“Like your promises are worth anything,” May growled, fighting to stand.

He pushed his foot down on her chest harder and there was a sickening crack as a rib broke. “Yes, I want to kill May for what she did to Kara. It wasn’t personal before - in fact I rather liked all of you, well except Fitz who always annoyed me, but it is _very_ personal now.” He looked down at May and pushed harder. “I want you to suffer for what you’ve done.” Her face paled and she let out an involuntary whimper as another rib broke.

“You picked those words well, Ward.” Skye’s voice was icy. “I’ll give them right back to you.” Her arms raised and she focused everything she had on him. “I want _you_ to suffer for what you’ve done.” She let the power simmering inside her unleash itself and threw everything his way.

He flew back fifteen feet, mouth open in surprise, hitting the wall with a sickening thud that had to have shattered his spine. She continued to hurl the vibrations his way and the building began to shake.

“Skye,” May said weakly. “Stop. That’s enough.” She struggled to sit up but a slicing pain in her chest, like someone sticking a knife through her heart, stopped her. _Was this how Phil had felt what Loki stabbed him?_ she wondered, mind wandering briefly. _I hope the pain was short-lived._

“I can’t,” the girl responded, a note of panic creeping into her voice. “I can’t stop it!”

“Yes you can. Come here. Take my hand.”

“May - “

“Do it.”

“But - “

“Just do it. Now. Before the building comes down.”

She heard the note of urgency in May’s voice and struggled, trying to slow the waves coming out of her. She knelt by May’s side but didn’t touch her. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Forget about me.” May grabbed her hand quickly, holding it tightly. “Don’t kill yourself down here.” She moaned as the vibrations coursing into her body rattled her broken ribs. “You can do this Skye,” she whispered. “Focus on me. Hold your power back. Stop the vibrations. You’re the one controlling it, it’s not controlling you.”

Skye breathed slowly and deeply, trying to calm her racing heart, and gradually the vibrations stopped.

“Good.” May half-smiled but it came out more like a grimace. The room continued to shake and pieces of the walls and ceiling began to fall. “Get out of here. Now, before it all collapses.”

She leaned down to pull May up but the older woman pushed her away. “Leave me. Take Ward.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

“If he’s dead, Shield will need proof. If he isn’t, Phil will never forgive us for leaving him behind alive.” Her voice wavered. “Finish the mission, Skye. For me.”

Tears pooled in Skye’s eyes. “I can’t just leave you here.”

“You can and you will,” she replied calmly, voice barely audible. “I’ll find my own way out if I can. Please, don’t let Ward get away again.”

“May, I … you … “

She gripped the young girl’s hand. “I know. You mean a lot to me too.” She smiled wanly. “Tell Phil I … in case I don’t make it, I … “ She let out a shaky breath. “Just tell him.”

The tears splashed down Skye’s cheeks as she stood up. “I won’t leave you. I’ll see if he’s still alive then I’ll be back for you. Hold on.”

May shook her head weakly as the younger woman picked her way through the rubble, but she didn’t speak. She needed to save her strength. Her body was a well-honed, well-understood instrument, and though she wasn’t a doctor, she knew instinctively one of the jagged edges of broken rib had pierced something and there was internal bleeding. She wasn’t going to last much longer.

Skye finally reached Ward and tentatively stuck her hand toward him to take his pulse. His eyes were open and glazing over but she didn’t trust he was actually dead. He didn’t move though as she pressed two fingers against his neck and felt nothing. “Thank god,” she murmured. Hopefully now the nightmare was over.

A rumbling noise let her know the danger wasn’t over yet. The mild quake she’d caused hadn’t created aftershocks in the ground, but it had obviously damaged the building’s structural integrity and it was, as May had feared, coming down on them.

Wishing they’d used in-ear comms as they were faster, she pulled her cellphone out and hit speed dial as she picked her way back to May.

“Skye! Is everything okay?” The reception wasn’t great but at least she’d gotten through to Coulson. 

“No,” she said urgently, pushing on before he could ask questions. “Ward’s dead, May’s injured and the building is collapsing on us. We need help!”

“Try to get yourselves out but leave your phone on so we can track you. I”ll be there as soon as I can.”

She tucked the phone back into her pocket, still on as ordered, and knelt beside May. The warrior woman, so incredibly fearsome in battle (and often at rest too), was now pale and clammy and seemed small and fragile, like a child crumpled up amongst the debris.

“Can you move?” she asked, trying to slide a hand under May’s back to help, but the injured woman shook her head.

“Rib piercing something,” she whispered. “Internal bleeding.” Her eyes, still filled with pain, managed to turn stony. “I told you to leave.”

“The mission is complete. Ward’s dead. You’ll be dead too if I leave you and that is not part of the mission.”

“You’ll die too if you stay.”

“Then we’ll all die together. We don’t leave members of our team behind. Would you leave me if our places were reversed?”

May didn’t answer. The building gave another large shake and the ceiling above them began to come down in large chunks. Skye threw herself over top of May, shielding her from the falling debris, and said a tacit prayer to Coulson. _I don’t want to die here. Please hurry._

**~ TBC ~**


	2. A little candle

**Chapter Two --**

_I walk without a cut, through a stained glass wall_

May wasn’t sure exactly what the order of events was after that. She remembered hearing voices, seeing faces hovering over her, but everything washed over her seamlessly with no real conscious memory of time passing. Eventually some clarity returned with consciousness and she struggled to open her eyes. Once they were open she wished she could close them again and wish the sight away. 

She hated hospitals. Hospitals contained all of the things she hated; doctors, needles, medicine … and terrible food. She tried to draw in a deep breath and remembered, along with the shooting pain in her chest, why she needed to be in a hospital. 

_Grant Ward._

Turning her head, she almost expected to see him there, but a much more welcome face met hers instead.

“Hey,” Coulson said softly. “You’re back with us.”

She tried to smile. “How long was I out?”

“Six days.”

_“Six days?”_

“You were hurt pretty badly. Needed some major surgery.” He wasn’t a particularly expressive man at anytime, preferring to keep his emotions mostly private, but she could see he’d been rattled. The warmth in his usually enigmatic blue eyes touched her somewhere deep inside.

“How bad was it?”

A different but all-too familiar voice answered her question. “Bad enough I nearly had to bring you back from the dead too,” Fury growled. “As it is I might just have to start calling you two the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman.”

Coulson grinned. “Cool.”

May rolled her eyes. “Nerd.”

“You two do know this is costing me money, right?”

She smirked, knowing the gruffness in his voice was only there to cover his real feelings. “We’ll pay you back.”

“Oh that you will.” Fury nodded. “And with interest too.”

Coulson huffed. “Indentured servitude for the rest of our lives, no doubt.”

“At the very least.”

May cleared her dry throat. “Water please?”

Fury poured a small amount into a glass and handed it to Coulson, who was closer to her. “Can you sit up?”

“I can try.” She moved slightly as he adjusted the pillows behind her, grimacing as her chest began to ache.

“You okay?”

She nodded and as he held the glass up to her lips, she covered his hand with her own, holding it close to her mouth and taking several swallows. Their eyes held one another’s as she drank. “Better?” he asked when she was done.

She nodded again, letting go of him. “Tell me what happened.”

“I’ll let you do the honours,” Fury said, a surprising gentleness in his voice. “I’ll be back to check on you later.”

“You know I think he loves you,” Coulson said, a sideways grin forming on his face. “As much as he’s capable of loving anyone. In a platonic sense, of course.” He cleared his throat and grew serious again. “I shouldn’t have sent you in there, May. I’m sorry.”

A sudden worry gripped her and she leaned forward. “Is Skye - “

"A few cuts and bruises but nothing serious."

She breathed out audibly. "Ward?"

“You barely made it out alive as it was, May. We didn’t have time to deal with Ward.”

“Catching him and stopping him is worth my life.”

His eyes dropped to the blanket where he took her hand in his good one. “Not to me.”

The door swung open and Andrew walked in. “Melinda,” he gasped. “Thank god you’re awake.”

As he crossed the room to come to her side, Coulson withdrew his hand and stepped away. “I’ll leave you two,” he murmured, slipping away almost unnoticed.

May’s eyes followed him as he left the room, then turned to meet the concerned face of the man standing beside her. He took her hand just as Coulson had, and sat in his place on the edge of the bed, his other hand lifting to caress her cheek. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke. I’d just slipped out for a quick bathroom break. Bad timing on my part.”

She smiled weakly. “You’re here now.”

“So are you.” He squeezed her hand. “I thought I’d lost you again, Melinda. I’m not sure I could survive that.”

“I thought I’d lost me too.”

His face grew somber. “I know I have no right to be angry with Phil for sending you into the lion’s den again, but that isn’t stopping me from wishing he didn’t have to.”

“He did what he had to do,” she said weakly, voice no more than a whisper. “So did I.” She licked her dry lips. “Facing evil and eliminating it so people are safe is what we do.”

“I know. I just wish it didn’t always have to be you doing it.”

“That’s who I am, Drew. You knew that when you married me.”

“I know.”

She could see the concern deepen in the lines on his face and knew she must be looking as frail as she felt. She rarely felt frail and it was a very unwelcome feeling. 

“Hey, you need to get some rest in order to heal, so we can save the rest of this conversation for later.”

She sank back. “ ‘kay.”

“Get some sleep, Melinda.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “I love you. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

~ ~ ~ 

Coulson watched as Andrew leaned in and kissed May on the forehead, rising and coming to join him in the hallway. The two men looked at each other carefully. “I’m sorry this happened to her,” he offered.

“You were just doing your job.”

Andrew’s words seemed to absolve him of guilt but he didn’t have to be a shrink to hear the undercurrent of blame in the man’s voice. “But you wish it would have been me going in there instead of her.”

“I just wish it didn’t always have to be _her_.”

“She’s the best specialist I’ve got,” Coulson said frankly. “I’d go in with her but I’m nowhere near as good as she is.”

“No, you’re tactical. You’re the one who decides everyone else’s fate.” The undercurrent had risen to the surface and was bubbling just below it. “You sent her in in Bahrain.”

Coulson nodded. “I did. Though to be fair, she begged me to let her go. She would have gone in anyway, without orders, you know that.”

“Yes, but you could have gone in there with her.”

“I could have,” he acknowledged, “but if I had, one of two things would have happened. Either I would have ended up dead and she’d have had to live with that on her conscience, or the local police would have bombed the place, killing us both. That was their plan and why I stayed out - to give her a fighting chance to survive and save our people.”

Andrew said nothing but the stony look on his face was unchanged. 

“You think I don’t feel the weight of what happened to her? It haunts me every day just as it does her.”

“Yet you drew her back into it after she quit field work.”

Coulson bit his tongue. This was a conversation they should have had long ago. Andrew obviously hadn’t let go of his feelings either and needed to vent them.

“Fury brought her back in,” he said evenly. “I won’t say I’m not happy to be working with her again as she’s a damned good agent and the best partner I’ve ever had, but if she wants to quit Shield I would let her go. No strings attached.”

“I may hold you to that.”

Hot anger rose in Coulson’s chest. “You’d ask her to quit Shield? For you?”

“Not for me. For herself.”

“It’s not just what she does, Andrew. It’s who she is. That’s like asking her to give up her soul.”

“She already did once,” he replied in a deadly quiet voice. “I don’t want her to lose herself again. She very nearly lost her life this time.”

Coulson’s eyes bored into him. “You can blame me for that if you want to but I’m also the one who saved her.”

“That may be true, but how many times can you ask her to sacrifice herself only to have to go in and pick up the pieces, before she’s too broken to be fixed?”

~ ~ ~ 

Phil Coulson asked himself that question a hundred times in the two weeks May was away at home recovering. He still didn’t have an answer fifteen days later.

He could see where Andrew was coming from and certainly understood the man’s protectiveness as it was something he’d always shared, though very rarely showed outwardly. It worked better that way for both of them; he didn’t like showing vulnerability and she didn’t like being treated as if she weren’t capable of handling herself. They’d always known the emotions were there - care, concern for one another along with the respect and trust they’d always given were tacitly understood, only rarely visible to outsiders. 

Being part of Shield wasn’t just a job. Hell, it wasn’t even just a career. It was a way of life. It coloured everything one did, inside and outside of work. Good Shield agents weren’t made they were found and then honed to become what they already were inside. That had been one of Fury’s gifts; recognizing people who had the right mindset and definitive purpose that he could bring in and train to be what he needed. 

Melinda May had been one of his best finds and Coulson knew it. Had always known it. Even Before (as he liked to think of the time before Bahrain as ‘Before’), she’d been committed, determined, daring and rarely trusted others; all perfect qualities to be a great agent. She’d been open and loving with her husband, at least as far as she could given their sometimes highly classified missions, but other than Coulson - her partner - she had never fully trusted anyone else and had always been very reserved with others. Bahrain had only intensified that by removing the warm, personable part of her that only the two of them had ever really seen.

He wondered sometimes, if Andrew knew how well he and May had really known each other in those days. There’d never been anything romantic between them, but from day one there had been a connection, a bond that had only continued to strengthen over the years. It had seemed invisible over the years they’d been apart after Bahrain but as soon as they’d started working together again it had shown itself to still be there holding strong. 

Her connection to him was firmly entwined in her connection to Shield. Was that why he was afraid she might go if Andrew asked? Because he’d lose that connection to her again? Or was he really looking out for her welfare, knowing that Shield was as much a part of her as an appendage, and he knew full well what living without that felt like?

He couldn’t be sure. The boundary between personal and professional had most definitely blurred for them, she’d been one hundred percent right about that. He wasn’t sure they could go back now, or if he even wanted to. He’d liked being the only one she trusted fully, the only one who could touch her when she was hurt emotionally or physically. He’d enjoyed the closeness they’d developed. More than friends, not quite lovers, but emotionally tied to one another. He didn’t want to go back to being just partners. They’d been doing that since she’d gone back to Andrew and it left a hole inside him, one he knew he could pretend wasn’t there but that would be just another lie he told himself to get through the days.

Again, also for the hundredth time, he put down the phone without calling her.

~ ~ ~ 

It felt like she’d been away half a lifetime. 

May managed to find a small smile for her friends as she passed them in the corridors on her first day back. Smiles hadn’t come easy for her since the incident, even with Andrew. She’d known how he felt about what had transpired though he hadn’t said a word about it. It was in his eyes, in every line of his body when he thought she wasn’t looking.

They’d talked of anything and everything but the mission. She knew he believed he was helping by not pushing her like he had after Bahrain, but it was something they had to talk about eventually and until then it was driving a wedge between them. She was almost relieved to get back to work.

Almost.

Facing Phil was next. She had to draw inner strength for that. She’d thought he really cared, but in the fifteen days she’d been away he hadn’t called once to see how she was.

Not even once.

If her heart hadn’t already been literally broken by that bastard Ward, this would have done it. _You shouldn’t care this much,_ she chastised herself. _He’s just a friend, giving you space to recover. Don’t read anything more into it._ But though her head could make sense of that argument, her heart still felt like she’d been stabbed again at his apparent indifference.

“Come in.”

She walked into his office quietly, shutting the door behind her just as quietly. It took him a moment to look up. “Reporting for duty,” she murmured.

“May.” He rose and smiled all the way up to his eyes. “How are you doing?”

“Fine.” The word came out more harshly than she’d intended. “I’m not cleared for fieldwork yet - Simmons gets to give the word when she thinks it’s time - but I figured you might need some help.” Some of the bitterness slipped out. “Looks like you’ve been handling things just fine without me.”

His eyes flickered momentarily but his face remained impassive. “Shield has to go on without any one of us if we’re lost, but don’t mistake that for not needing you because we do. Very much.”

He’d given her nothing personal. Not that she’d really expected him to. Personal really wasn’t his thing.

“Good to know,” she replied, carefully masking all emotion. “What’s my next assignment?”

**~ TBC ~**


	3. Shadows Where I Stand

**_And words that have no form are falling from my lips_ **

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Earth to Melinda.”

May’s attention was drawn by Andrew’s good-natured teasing. “Sorry.”

“Where were you? One minute I was having dinner with you and the next you were gone. Where did you disappear to?”

She forced a smile. “My mind was wandering.”

He leaned forward, elbows resting on the table. “Anywhere you’d care to take me? Or is it classified … “

She heard the undercurrent of discontent in his voice. “It’s not classified, it’s just - “

“Complicated?” he finished for her. “I’m good with complicated.”

She smiled for real though a pang of sadness tore at her heart. “I know you are. I’m not.”

He reached across the table and took her hands in his. “I know. You know I’m here if you want to talk about it, right?”

May nodded, pulling away to finish her dinner. The look of intense sadness that briefly crossed his face wasn’t lost on her and only served to deepen the sadness in her heart. 

They finished the rest of the meal in silence. As they were getting ready for bed later, his arms came around her waist from behind and he rested his chin on the top of her head. “Let me love you, Melinda,” he whispered. “Let me be there for you. Don’t shut me out.” _Like I did before_ , she almost finished for him, reading his thoughts, but bit her tongue before it could slip out. Bringing back Bahrain wouldn’t do either of them any good; it was enough she was struggling with the here and now. Reminders of that time would just put them both in a bad place. Though the words may have gone unsaid she knew he was thinking it, just as she was.

May let him have his way, participating in their lovemaking on autopilot. She knew his body and his turn-ons well enough to please him without really trying, as he knew hers well enough to bring her to orgasm twice even though her mind wasn’t fully engaged in the moment.

After, as he fell asleep with his arms encircling her, she let her mind wander again, only to realize with some shame that it was firmly fixed on work and the man she spent most of her time with there. Visions of Phil Coulson filled her heart and mind and she wondered, not with some little bit of irony, how the Ice Queen with apparently no heart could love two men so very much.

~ ~ ~ 

“You’re to run point on this mission, May.” She nodded at Coulson’s orders. “I’ll be in your ear the whole time.” Her eyes flew to his and he could see the hurt she wasn’t able to hide quickly enough. _I do trust you,_ he thought, hoping his eyes conveyed the thought. _I just don’t want to see you get hurt again._

“And where exactly will I be?” Hunter asked indelicately.

“Out of sight. You’re the backup team, you and Simmons.”

“I wish Bobbi were able to come with us,” Simmons lamented.

“Well she can’t.” Hunter jumped in quickly and in him Coulson could read the same worry he had in himself for May. He too wished Bobbi was available but her physical recovery was going slowly, her mental recovery even slower. Hunter had confided in him that she’d said she didn’t want to do field work anymore and while he would be very disappointed at losing one of his best, he understood her feelings perfectly. Would May choose to go that route too? Had Andrew even asked her to yet? He had no idea. She’d been closed as a clam since returning to work and he knew the fault was his. _You should have called. You should have shown her you do care and you want her back._ But he understood also why he hadn’t, and it had nothing to do with not caring deeply for her and everything to do with her reconciliation with Andrew. It wasn’t jealousy exactly that he could feel when the two men were together, but a guarded wariness, as if Andrew were well aware of his feelings for her and was just waiting for him to overstep the boundary between work and personal and then he’d strike. Figuratively of course; words were the psychologist’s arena, understanding his opponent’s psyche his sword.

Coulson didn’t want to fight him, though he didn’t feel particularly disadvantaged in that area. He wasn’t half bad with words himself and did a pretty bang-up job of analyzing people if he did say so himself. He wasn’t worried about losing the fight, he was worried that May would end up as the casualty in a war between them and he didn’t want to put her in that position.

After the briefing was over he dismissed them. “May” he called to her back. “A word.”

She turned around and stood at attention without a sound, hands tucked behind her back.

“At ease. Surely you know you don’t have to stand on ceremony with me.”

“I’m not really sure I’m sure about anything anymore.” The words came out calmly and her body language remained stoic but he knew her well enough to know she could project any image she wanted him to see and that behind the facade she was hurting.

“What is it May? What changed between us?” When she didn’t answer he pressed on. “Do you blame me for what happened on the last mission? I’m the one who sent you in there.”

May shook her head, brows drawing together in confusion. “No, of course not. Why would you think I’d blame you?”

“Andrew does.” He regretted the words the moment they’d left his mouth.

“What do you mean? Why?” Her eyes slitted. “How do you know that? Are you two talking behind my back again?”

“Not behind your back.” He rose to be eye to eye with her. “It was at the hospital after your surgery.” He waved his arms ineffectually. “Forget it, it doesn’t matter.”

She took a step forward. “Yes it does,” she said firmly. “If he’s telling you things he isn’t telling me … “

“He’s concerned for you, Mel,” he interrupted. “He lost you after I sent you in in Bahrain. He very nearly lost you again after I sent you into Hydra’s den. Are you seeing the pattern here?”

“But to blame you? He knows Shield protocols well enough to know there is no blame ascribed by any of us. Orders are given and followed and everyone knows we all do our best to be careful. Injury and death are all part of the job description.”

Coulson stepped around his desk and came towards her. He could see the anger she was having trouble hiding. Knowing his careless words were the cause, he wanted to put her at ease. “Please don’t tell him I told you. He isn’t trying to hurt you by hiding anything. He loves you and can’t help but worry about you. I understand his position completely.”

His words were having the opposite effect he’d hoped they would as her ire obviously continued to rise, at least until that last sentence. It was as if she’d suddenly been turned to stone. “Do you?” she almost whispered.

“I do.” He reached out impulsively and took her hands in his own. Neither of them flinched at the replacement hand, surprisingly. Instead, sparks crackled between them. “I hate sending you into danger, May. I know you can handle yourself but I always worry you won’t come home alive.” _Like I didn’t,_ he almost added but didn’t. 

“It’s what I was trained for, Phil. I accept the risks every time I go on a mission.”

“I know.” His voice was barely there, his throat close to closing. “What the mind knows and what the heart feels are often two very different things. It’s hard not to worry when you care so much for someone.”

“Do you?”

The sparks intensified and the blood began to boil in his veins. “I do.” He swallowed hard, wanting desperately to pull her into his arms and kiss her but knowing he had to stop before he crossed that line. “So does Andrew. In his head he knows he shouldn’t place blame but in his heart he fears losing you and can’t help but be angry at the person he sees as responsible for hurting you.” He dropped her hands and put his own into his pockets to trap them. “Don’t be angry with him, Melinda. After all these years apart you’re finally getting it together again. Don’t lose it over something petty.”

The hurt in her eyes was palpable. Just. Only because he knew her well enough to read her. “You _want_ me to stay with Andrew?”

He picked his words carefully. “I want you to be happy. You’ve suffered a long time and you deserve to find happiness again. I know you were happy with him once; maybe you can be again.”

May nodded mutely and they stood staring at one another in silence. Eventually Coulson cleared his throat. “Well you’d best get prepped for the mission. The others will be waiting.”

~ ~ ~ 

She’d managed to put it out of her mind long enough to complete the mission but had thought of little else since. The feel of him touching her had sent sparks flying through her at an alarming rate, making her conscious self _want_ as much as her subconscious self did.

That didn’t bode well for her relationship with Andrew. In all the years she’d known Coulson, May had never felt the kind of electric attraction she now felt for him. They’d always had a close bond, one they’d both been aware of and acknowledged, albeit tacitly, but though others had often wondered if there had been a physical component to their relationship, there hadn’t.

Until now.

May couldn’t deny she had feelings for him. That didn’t mean she’d ever act on them or that even if she did it would go anywhere, but it did mean she couldn’t be with Andrew now. Mentally cheating on him was as bad as actually doing it in her mind, and was something she was having a lot of difficulty with. The recurring dreams about Coulson unnerved her and had almost brought her to the realization that she didn’t belong with Andrew, and what had transpired in Coulson's office earlier in the day had served to cement that knowledge.

It wasn’t going to be easy breaking it off with him again. He was obviously more invested in them than she was. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about him; he would always have a place in her heart but she just wasn’t the same person she’d been years ago and her feelings had changed along with the rest of her. Being with him just wasn’t right anymore. She’d resolved to talk to him that night when she got home but before she could bring up the subject, he beat her to it. 

“How was your day today?” he asked when she joined him in the bedroom. 

“Fine.”

A puzzled look settled on his face as she just stood there inside the door frame, still as a statue. “Melinda? Are you okay?” He sat up, pushing the covers and pillows away as he left the bed. “Did something happen? You can tell me, you don’t just have to say fine when I ask how your day was.”

“I know that,” she snapped, regretting her harsh tone as a hurt look crossed his face. She might as well have slapped him.

“Talk to me, Mel. Tell me what you’re thinking and feeling. I want to share it with you.” He reached out his hands to draw her in but she pulled back.

“The way you’re sharing all of your thoughts and feelings with me?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You blame Coulson for everything that’s happened to me. You know he’s one of my closest friends as well as my boss. Why would you talk to him instead of me? And how could you blame him for doing what he had to do?”

“I just … it wasn’t that I was trying to hide anything from you, I just … “

“Just what?” She crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow. “Just blame Phil for doing his job?”

“I just wish you didn’t always have to be put in those life or death situations,” he exploded. “For once couldn’t you be the one who stays back and lets others put themselves in danger?”

It was then she realized the complete truth. Andrew had changed too. Bahrain had been harder for him than she’d realized. Before it had happened, he’d supported her, encouraged her and always been positive about her role within Shield. In losing her he’d lost a piece of himself: his innocence and ability to love unconditionally. Now he was fearful and wanted her to pull back even though he knew she wouldn’t. Couldn’t. 

“I’m sorry Drew.” Her eyes stung as tears filled them. “I’d hoped we could make this work.”

“Melinda please.” He reached out and grabbed her hands quickly, holding them tightly so she couldn’t pull away again. He didn’t cry; he rarely cried, but his eyes held an infinite sadness that stung her already torn and bleeding heart. “We can make this work if we give it another chance. Please. Don’t give up on us already.”

May shook her head, blinking to stop the tears from falling. “No we can’t. I’m not the only one who’s changed, Drew. We both have. We’re not the people we used to be and we don’t belong together anymore.”

She pulled her arms roughly, tearing out of his grasp and taking a few steps backwards. “I’ll stay at the base tonight and come back for my things tomorrow.”

~ TBC ~


	4. Weaker in my Eyesight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for being patient everyone. I appreciate so many people reading this story and enjoying it, and thank you all for your lovely feedback! It has been fun to write this story, though time has definitely been a constraint for me, and I have others in the works now, probably to come after summer vacation is over. (And I have time without kids again!)
> 
> I hope you enjoy the last chapter. :)

_I want to see you clearly, come closer than this,  
but all I remember are dreams in the mist._

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“Agent May just came onto the base.”

Coulson peeked at his watch and frowned at Koenig’s update. “Thank you,” he said quietly, wondering if the man ever slept. He’d wondered in the early days, and was starting to wonder again, if the man was actually an android. Koenig never appeared to sleep yet was always bright-eyed and good-natured. And all those twin brothers of his had him wondering … But he put that question aside in favour of another line of thought: what was May doing coming back at this hour after she’d decided to go home at mission’s end?

Coulson waited patiently for her, swirling his drink in the near darkness. It took several minutes to follow the tunnels to the centre of the base, assuming she wasn’t just here to inspect the aircraft. If he waited, she would come. She came into earshot eventually, her heels clicking purposefully as she walked. She would have passed right by him so intent was she on wherever she was headed, but curiosity got the better of him and he stopped her.

“May,” he said quietly.

“God!” she jumped, landing instantly in combat stance. “What the hell are you still doing up?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“I’m not hiding in the shadows waiting to scare unsuspecting passers-by.”

“You’re hardly unsuspecting May. In fact you’re one of the most cautious, dare I say, paranoid, people I know.”

“You shouldn’t dare, not after scaring me to death.”

He swirled his drink, took a sip, and nodded at the chair opposite him. “Join me.”

She regarded him warily but didn’t need to be invited twice. They sat in not quite companionable silence for several minutes. 

“You want to talk about it?” Coulson offered, voice soft and noncommittal.

“Not really.” Hers, conversely, was brittle and brusque.

“Drink?”

“Please.”

He got up and walked over to the bar, flipping over a glass and picking up the scotch.

“I’ll take the bottle.”

Raising an eyebrow, he walked over and held it out to her. “That bad, huh?”

She took a long swallow, wincing as it burned her throat.

“Sure you don’t want to talk about it? I’m a good listener.”

“I’m not a good talker.” May took another swig.

“I heard that rumour somewhere.”

“Probably from my shrink,” she said dryly.

“Ouch.” He finished his drink and sat back into the chair. “It’s not going well with Andrew?”

“It’s not going. Fullstop.”

He watched her for a moment, seeing the sorrow shadowed on her face in the near darkness. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you?”

The challenge in her voice unnerved him and for once he wasn’t sure how to respond. “You’re obviously hurting and as you’re my friend, it hurts me to see you sad.”

She took another large swallow. “Have some more of this and soon you won’t feel anything.”

“I’m not sure that’s the answer.”

“It’s working for me.”

He sat up and leaned forward. “Then at least one of us should stay sober.”

May looked at the bottle through slitted eyes and suddenly, roughly put it down on the table. “I feel like hitting something.”

“I’m not much of a sparring partner as you well know, and if you put me out of commission you’ll just end up having to do my job as well as your own.” Another time she might have smiled at his humour. She often did when they were alone; she rarely showed her lighter side with the others. Tonight there was no smile. 

She stood up slowly, the alcohol marring her usual grace. “I’m too tired anyway.”

“I’ll walk you to your room. We haven’t given it to anyone else yet.”

“Good.”

He followed her into her room, noting that while she’d never had a lot of personal items, it looked positively barren now that everything was gone. “May.” She turned back to face him. “Are you going to be okay?”

She shook her head and grabbed his tie suddenly, pulling him against her and attacking his lips with hers. He registered only a momentary surprise then he began to kiss her desperately with all of the pent-up passion he’d held for weeks since she’d moved back in with Andrew, his hands sliding around her waist to her lower back as her own hands slipped around his neck. It was everything he’d wanted and nothing like he’d expected. Having her finally in his arms was as terrifying as it was wonderful.

Until she pulled back.

“No, no,” she murmured, leaning her forehead against his and closing her eyes. 

“No?” he echoed softly.

“No, I can’t. We can’t.” The words were nearly inaudible.

He hated himself for having to ask but he needed to know. “You don’t want this?”

She pulled out of his arms, shaking her head. “Not like this. Not _now_.”

He knew her as well as he knew himself and could read the sorrow and shame as well as desire in her eyes, unusually open and expressive for once. He nodded and took a step backwards. “Not now.” Struggling to keep his throat from closing, he added, “get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She just nodded, biting her lip.

~ ~ ~ 

It was as if the previous two years hadn’t happened and they were right back at day one. May was as brittle and hard as she’d been those first days back in the field, her defences firmly back in place. 

He wasn’t the only one who’d noticed: Skye, Fitz and Hunter had all come to him separately over the course of a few days, asking after her, wondering what had gone wrong and caused her to retreat back into her shell. A failed relationship - that was what he’d told them, and asked them to give her time to work through it. They’d mostly figured that part out on their own, given that she’d moved back to the base permanently.

It was the truth, but not the whole truth. Coulson knew there was much more to it. Her feelings had always run deep, especially for her ex-husband. He knew this breakup cut her deeply, as deeply as it had after Bahrain, even though the scars weren’t visible. Then or now. She liked to let people believe she didn’t feel, that she was as cold as the ice they said she was made of, but he’d known her since they’d barely reached adulthood and knew she felt everything more deeply than most, which was why it took her so long to heal.

He didn’t know how to comfort her; didn’t know if he should even try after what had happened the night she’d returned. The something that had simmered just below the surface now and again between them had suddenly boiled over, leaving messy feelings exposed.

He didn’t like messy. Didn’t do well with feelings either.

May was his friend, yes, but she was so much more than just that, and how exactly should he deal with these sudden messy feelings, particularly when she was obviously more comfortable pretending they didn’t exist? She was a close friend and confidante, one he could surely talk to about anything, but she was also his junior agent and partner and someone he was going to have to continue to work closely with no matter how sideways this went.

A part of him just wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, like her, and continue on like nothing was wrong, but he couldn’t. His feelings for her were real and now they were out in the open. She knew and clearly she had feelings too, whether she was ready to acknowledge them or not. 

~ ~ ~ 

Andrew was coming onto the base.

At least Coulson had had the courtesy to let her know ahead of time. Not like she could avoid him forever but at least she could be mentally prepared to face him.

She hadn’t seen him since the night she’d ended their relationship; the next day she’d come to collect her things when he’d been away from the house and though he’d left her several messages since then, she hadn’t returned them. Avoidance, Andrew would tag it, in his professional way, but he’d be dead on. Avoidance was her personal strategy for dealing with things she didn’t want to deal with. Or not deal with, more accurately.

But he was coming today to talk with Skye. A follow-up of sorts to their counselling sessions months ago. She’d been through a lot since then, learning about her power, finding her parents and subsequently losing them. May didn’t begrudge her the need to talk about it, even if she hadn’t been the one to initiate it. And she probably hadn’t: combat wasn’t the only thing her protege was picking up from her, May admitted to herself ruefully. 

It wasn’t a surprise, meeting him in the hallway on his way in, but it did cause her heart to flutter in an uncomfortable way, then drop to the pit of her stomach.

“Melinda.” His eyes found hers and held them as he stopped walking. “How are you?”

“Fine. You?”

“Fine.”

They stared at one another for a full minute. “Is this what we’ve come to?” Andrew asked, sadness palpable in every line of his body. “Two people who are barely able to be civil to one another?”

May’s arms crossed over her chest. “What do you want me to say?”

“For starters you could tell me why you’ve been ignoring my messages.”

“I didn’t know what to say.”

He took a step towards her. “The truth would have been a good place to start.” 

“I’ve never lied to you. I’ve always been honest with you, Andrew.”

“But there’s more to be said. You barely choked out a few words and then you walked out without any conversation. Very much deja vue.”

May’s face grew warm. “I’m sorry … “

“I don’t want an apology, Melinda. I know running away is how you cope. I just want us to have a chance to actually talk this time and not have to wait another seven years.”

She searched his eyes, seeing the hurt. “Okay. But I don’t think this is the time or place for that conversation.”

A touch of amusement pulled at the corners of his mouth. “Definitely not. After my session with Skye?”

She nodded. “As long as something doesn’t come up before then.”

“Work always comes first.”

May shrugged. “Nature of the job.”

“I suppose.” A heavy weight of sadness visibly descended on him. “I’ll come looking for you when I’m done.”

~ ~ ~ 

He wished he hadn’t inadvertently eavesdropped on their conversation. Even without being able to see May and Andrew, he could feel the aura of sadness they exuded and it made him hate himself for wanting her the way he did.

They’d been so good together once. Losing that had been hard on both of them. Losing it again had to hurt even more. He really had no right to try to step in and claim her for himself while she was still mourning the loss of their relationship for the second time.

Coulson took a deep breath and let it out slowly and silently as he walked the other way.

~ ~ ~ 

Andrew smiled. “I’m glad nothing came up.” 

“So am I.” May grimaced. “For many reasons.”

The look he gave her was so full of sympathy and understanding it almost hurt. “You’ve all been through hell lately. Enemies coming at you from all sides, even from within. These last months have been so hard on everyone connected with Shield.”

A chink appeared in the armour she’d enshrouded herself in and it began to slip. The sudden weight of it caused a pain in her heart. “Don’t. Please don’t Andrew. Don’t be kind and understanding.”

“You’d rather I be mean and berate you for walking away from me and not answering my messages?”

“I’d find that easier to take,” she admitted.

“I know.” His voice was gentle. “I wish you didn’t find it so hard to accept compassion and empathy from others.”

“And I wish that Bahrain hadn’t changed us but it has, and we have to deal with the reality that is, not what we wish it would be.”

“And what is this reality, Melinda?”

“That the love, compassion and understanding you have to offer because it’s who you are, is something I can’t take anymore. And that my fearlessness and need to put the job first is something you can’t live with now.” She swallowed hard. “We may still love each other but that doesn’t mean we can make a life together.”

“Well that’s stating it pretty plainly with no preamble.”

May looked around the restaurant quickly before her gaze came back to rest on him. “I don’t think it serves either of us to drag it out.”

“Cut and dried, huh?”

She shrugged. “We could keep trying to pretend but we both know it wouldn’t work and a relationship where we do nothing but fight is no relationship at all.” Her voice dropped. “I wish it could be different, Drew. I’ve hurt you, then and now, and I’m sorry for it. I never meant to.”

He reached across the tiny table and took her hands in his. “I know. I’d hoped we could make this work too but we can’t erase Bahrain or what it did to both of us. You’re right, it changed us, and so the did the last seven years since. Bahrain scarred you; scarred us both - “

“ - and those scars are here to remind us we can’t go back - “

“ - only forward.” He squeezed her hands. “You still remember.”

“Of course I do. You’re one of the wisest men I’ve ever known.”

“One of? I’m hurt.”

A smile played around her mouth and the tears in her eyes shimmered. “I think Fury is up there with you. Maybe Coulson too.”

“Maybe. Just don’t tell him. His ego’s pretty healthy already.”

May chuckled. They stared at one another for long minutes, sharing emotions silently. 

“So what are you going to do?”

She took a deep breath. “What I’ve been doing the past two years. Kick ass, stop the bad guys, and watch Coulson’s back to make sure no one kills him again.”

Andrew let go of her hands and flexed his left one. “You’d best watch his friends as well as his enemies then.”

“Mack and I have had words. He won’t be chopping any more pieces off.”

“Good, because I can’t afford to give Shield any more of my time than I already do. I have my own practice you know.”

“I do know and you should focus on that. You’re damned good at what you do and your patients are lucky to have you.”

They stood, as if one mind, and walked into each other’s embrace, holding one another tightly. Andrew kissed the top of her head. “Take care of yourself, Melinda,” he whispered. “I’ll always love you.”

She buried her face in his chest, not knowing if he heard her choked whisper in return but knowing she couldn’t say it again even if he hadn’t.

~ ~ ~

A knock on his bedroom door startled him. Coulson put down his book and climbed out of bed, noticing it was nearly midnight. HIs people typically didn’t come to see him in his private quarters, and never at this hour. There was only one person it could be.

“May.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Got a minute?”

“I might be able to spare one. Two max.” She didn’t smile. “I’m kidding. Come on in.” He moved aside and shut the door behind her.

She turned to face him and they stared at one another in the dim light. 

“Something on your mind?”

“Many things.”

He wanted to joke with her, to speak aloud the quip on the edge of his tongue but the seriousness in her eyes stopped him. The sudden pain in his chest at the realization that he may never be able to have fun with her again surprised him. _I should never have kissed her. It ruined everything we had._

“Mostly you.”

“Me?” Now it was his eyebrow's turn. “Okay, what did I do now?”

“Nothing.” She took a step forward. “Not yet anyway.”

His libido suddenly caught up to his eyebrow and he was certain someone had turned up the heat in his room. “Oh?” If he looked as stupid as he felt with his monosyllabic answer, she didn’t show it.

“Do you remember the night Drew and I split again and I came back here?”

_Like I could ever forget it._ “Of course.”

She paused and bit her lip. “How about now?”

He knew exactly what she meant but his mouth suddenly went completely dry. “Now?” he croaked, unable to get any more words out.

She stepped forward and laid both hands on his chest. “Unless you don’t want this … “

He could have smiled as she threw his own words back at him but this was too serious for that. “Melinda,” he whispered, lifting his own hands and covering hers. “Are you sure?”

May shook her head slowly. “I’m not sure of anything anymore. I’ve screwed up so many things in my life, mostly my relationships with other people, and the last thing I want is to screw us up.”

“We’ve been through a lot together in the last couple of years, May,” he said softly. “Together we can make it through anything.” He swallowed as she slid her right hand up and touched his cheek. “Whatever else we’ve been and may yet become, we were friends first and we’ll be friends to the end. No matter what happens.”

As he spoke, they both moved imperceptibly closer until their bodies were touching, their foreheads resting against one another’s. “Nothing can tear us apart, May. Not Hydra, not ‘the real Shield’, not Fury’s secrets, and not even lover’s quarrels. It’ll always be you and me, together, side by side, facing the world.”

She leaned up and kissed him, softly and slowly; a beckoning, a promise, not a declaration of passion. “Can we forget about the rest of the world, just for tonight?”

He returned the kiss, sliding his arms around her back and holding her tightly against him. Eloquent though he could be at times, he knew other times needed no words at all.

_~ fin ~_


End file.
